Finding out.

I can't remember the first time that I went to the library. I must have been very young. What I do remember was walking through the large oak doors, through the ornately tiled hallway, past the ships bell and into the repository of books awaiting discovery. I can still smell the scent of old books, of polished wooden floors and the calming atmosphere. I would regularly take out several books at a time and read all of them at once, sparing little time in trying to absorb as much information as I possibly could.

Even as a child I was drawn to ghost stories, science fiction and the like. I would eagerly read Pan books of Horror Stories or books by Aiden Chambers, but would intersperse it with Earth Mysteries books or books on sacred sites. I knew there was more to life than what we currently perceive and my experiences during my dream times were evidence for this. I was searching to see if someone else had experienced what I had. Instead I found myself getting scared by the words, spooked by the stories, yet I was still driven to find out the meaning behind my experiences.

My reading increased as I got older too. I developed a keen interest in astrology, tarot, alternative belief systems and so much more. I read about the world and about people about art, science and everything in between. My experiences seemed to change as I aged too. the visitors in the night became less frequent, but my interesting dreams remained.  I searched books on dream interpretation convinced I'd find the answers, instead I was left with an increasing amount of questions.

At school I excelled in most subjects, yet I still felt that I wasn't good enough, that I somehow couldn't do well. I enjoyed drawing and art, sewing and crafting and music. I knew that somehow everything was connected and that was why it was important to read everything I could. I had a pretty much photographic memory and could recall facts I'd read about many books ago.

I recall one incident that happened, where I had a sense of 'knowing' about something.

The school trip was to Kibblestone Scout Camp. I was wrapped up against the elements, with a packed lunch in my bag and exited the coach into the grounds. I had a strange feeling. I had been here before. I have a memory of this place, but I couldn't tell anyone about it. The leader of our party a young woman asked us about the trees, could we identify them. I correctly identified all the trees in order.

"Have you been here before?" she asked.

I hestitated before replying, how could I say what was on my mind?
"No Miss, but I know that through those trees is a Scots Pine"

"You're right, how can you possibly know that?"
"I have no idea" I retreated shyly, why did I know this information?

Another school trip was to see a play at a local High School, it was a performance of The Boyfriend.
As we waited in the entrance hall one of my friends piped up
"Anyone know where the toilets are?"..
Without thinking I simply said "Yeah, they're down there on the left"
"So where are the boys toilets then clever clogs?" one of the boys asked
"Oh they're just past the girls toilets, just before those double doors"
I was right on both counts. I had never been to that High School before, but somehow had a sense of knowing where things were in that building.

So the sense of inner knowing was quite strong. If I tried to focus on it and hone it, then I struggled. It wasn't until my teenage years that I professed my interest in psychic matters to a friend. It was summer and we sat in deckchairs in her garden taking in the suns warm rays.
"Lets play a game, try and guess what I'm thinking" she offered.
I felt unsure, but just said the first thing that came into my head,
"You don't like what Dawn is wearing and you wish she'd go home and leave us alone"
A look of shock crossed her face. I had no idea how I knew what she was thinking, only that the words came into my head and I just said them.

During my teens I explored more subjects, spent more time in libraries, when I could, between the endless demands of studying for exams and further demands of boyfriends. I used astrology as a subject for my O Level English oral exam. I knew some fundamentals and had an intriguing debate with one of the teachers who was examining me. I passed the exam, partially through showing initiative and talking about an unusual subject.

At 15, I came down with what was diagnosed at the time as glandular fever. My best friend at school also caught it. As I descended into the illness and fever overtook me, I fell unconcious. I was alone in my room. Suddenly they appeared, as real as before, the tall thin insect like creature and the other short round one. they took me along the white corridor, I passed the brown wooden cabinet, which was my touch stone and entered into the large room with the large screen and about two to three hundred other people in it. The other people were unaware of me and I couldn't reach out to them. I was overwhelmed and very frightened. I started to scream, but couldn't make a sound, tried to move, but all my limbs felt heavy. I screamed some more. Still no sound. I remembered darkness, then I awoke. I was still screaming, but there was no noise coming from my mouth, I tried to move but it was like moving through treacle. I moved my hands up to my face, they felt like they were huge and swollen like overfilled sausages. I managed to get up. I made a dash to the door. I felt someone was with me in the bedroom. I struggled to open my door, my sausage fingers clumsily grabbing at the handle. I still couldn't make a sound. I fumbled for my parents bedroom door. I was crying, sweating and delerious. My parent woke with a start and gently took me back to bed, tucking me in like they did when I was younger. Soothing me with their words. I settled back into a dreamless sleep.

Those visitors haven't been back since. I did wonder if the nature of their contact had changed. If my dreams had changed due to puberty, or because I had a boyfriend. I started to miss the visitors. Missed the terror that I felt when they were around. Missed the familiarity of them being there. I still didn't know who they were or what they wanted with me. I wanted to know the truth, but was also scared in case it was something I didn't want to hear.