During my teen years I became quite focussed on the planet and on what we can do as individuals to save it. I spent my time going to visit the CND offices and knew that I needed to clean up my act regarding my diet. The more I read, the more I knew I was different, but that it was OK.
I first tried vegetarianism in my early teens, I told my parents I wanted to become veggie, but was told "No".. I put it off until I was 17, when I decided enough was enough. I simply couldn't eat the flesh of another animal ever again. I was met with a resounding "well, buy your own food then". So I did. It became important to me to not take on the spiritual essence of another being through eating them. I realised I was a little out of my depth at first, but I was resolute to stick with it. I felt it was a very important part of my spiritual path.
I began to practice yoga. Through some books. I was interested in the poses and the meditative aspects of it. Hatha yoga, with its slow movements and deep breathing appealed to me. I found my creativity burgeoning. I began writing poetry, and had deeper thoughts about the universe. I continued to voraciously devour every book I could. I had extinguished the library by this time and had discovered book shops. I found a book on the I Ching and Tarot, which I still have to this day, finding them crammed full of information which began to go over my head.
At 18, I went through a dark night of the soul. I had been involved in a rather toxic relationship with someone for a couple of years, and had lost myself emotionally in it. The boyfriend was diagnosed with depression and prescribed anti-depressants, which he hid beneath his bed and refused to take. I read about depression and how I could help him, and found that in all reality I couldn't. I reached a crisis point during the study of my A levels. I was alone in my parents house. Today was going to be the day I would die. Suicide wasn't a concious choice, but something that came from the very heart of me. The toxic relationship was draining energy from me. I was becoming a shadow of who I was. i was called 'fat' and had dieted to the extreme by only eating a very meagre amount of food. If I stood up for too long I passed out. I could see my ribs and hips if i looked in the mirror. I covered myself up with baggy clothes. I had no clue what effect being with this person was having. I made a decision, if i could contact either one of my best friends (one from school and one from college) then i would tell them all about how I was feeling. If i couldn't then I would find a way to end my life. The prospect of living my life was alien to me at that point. I dialled the first friend. No reply. I took a deep breath and dialled the second friend.
" Hiya, thank goodness you've answered the phone. I really need to talk to you"
My friend was my saviour. Suggesting "hey, come over tomorrow, I'll get my mate to come over and we can read the cards (tarot) and play music and have a chilled out day".
I cried tears of joy. I meant something to someone.
The following day I went to see my friend at his parents house in Trentham and we sat around playing records, singing songs and reading each others tarot cards. The circular cards of his tarot deck were fascinating to look at and seemed to give me the incentive I needed. I needed to spend more time with my friends. I had begun to see that the relationship I was in was killing my vital energy and I needed to make a change.
I had one more day out with my friends that I recall with great joy (there were probably many more, but this one I held deeply in my heart). This time we went around to the other friend's house in Hartshill and went for a walk over Hartshill fields. We were sharing some wine, or cider (I forget which now) and it was a glorious sunny day. We all sat in the field chatting about life, music and the things that inspired us. Then I kissed them both. I was so happy with these two very sunny bright individuals who had helped me to re-ignited my own inner flame, so grateful. So filled with love.
I made the phone call that evening and spoke to my boyfriend and told him it was over. He cried and begged me not to leave. I knew I had to go. I had more adventures to have. I wouldn't be in a relationship where I was being so controlled and abused by someone who was so in need of help but wouldn't ask for it. I left and began a new journey.